wasting away to normal

Past half-way

2010-05-13T18:09:00.002+10:00

Well, I'm past the half way mark! S..l..o..w but steady.

I am very grateful for the lap band; I know I would have gained at least 5-10 kilos without it. However, my loss has been slow for several reasons:

I do not follow all the rules. For example, there should be no eating between meals at all. And no drinking with meals. And my exercising is erratic.And I cannot be trusted with chocolate. At all.

Still, each month after visiting the doctor, I feel remotivated. Lately, I am losing about 2 kilos a month, which is what they like to see. So, I will just press on and really tru to avoid temptations, or at least choose them wisely. If I am going to have something high-calorie, I need to choose well and thoroughly enjoy it, not hide furtively shoving something in my mouth while hoping no one sees me.

I really want to lose all my weight by my one year anniversary.

So, here's my goal list:

10 Aug (birthday) 79 kilos
15 Oct 71.5 BMI of 25

Shit. This doesn't look possible. Well, I will try. It gives me new impetus to exercise!!!

inspiring!!!!

2010-01-10T10:58:00.001+11:00

A little reward

2009-12-31T16:30:00.003+11:00

When I reached double digits, I bought myself a Pandora bracelet. It has been sitting in my drawer ever since because I needed to earn my first charm, which I did today. (Every 5 kilos earns me a charm).

It looks a little lonely all by itself but soon I will add to it! I decided that I can also earn a for 30 days of consecutive exercise (30 min/day). I hope that a little bribery can go a long way!

Small, sustainable changes

2009-12-30T08:59:00.003+11:00

My newest approach is 'small and sustainable' changes. I want to set a small and achievable goal each week. I might keep the goal for longer than that if needed, but the idea is to make it something that I can get a grip on in one week's time.

My goal this week is to measure out my portions when possible. My portion size is supposed to be about 1/2 a cup. But I am greedy and I try to convince myself that what I put on my plate is about that much, when in fact it's probably twice that. I don't want to be measuring and weighing my food forever, but right now my brain needs some retraining.

So far, I've been doing it for 2 days and it is helping. I put my food on a smaller plate and sometimes I don't finish it. The clinic says to then throw it away, but that goes against the fibre of my being. So I just put it in the fridge in a small container. But it's hard. My body has had enough, but my head still wants more.

I hopped on the scales today to find that I am down 13.7 kilos all up. My Christmas indulgences haven't shown up yet! Still, it's encouraging. I can do this!!!!!

Before photos

2009-12-26T21:56:00.003+11:00

Ugh. Taken at the start of Optifast.

OK, back to blogging

2009-12-26T21:25:00.003+11:00

I think that developing the regular habit of writing here will help me to adjust to my new lifestyle better, so perhaps getting on here more often will be one of my New Year's resolutions (not that I have ever been very good at keeping them). I need to think through things, process events and emotions and the way I respond to them and to food.

The scales are slowly moving in the right direction, although sometimes I am not helping myself very much. I have many years of habits to undo.

Christmas was not bad on the food front. I ate less that I would normally have eaten, that is for sure. But I ate more than I should have. I am still defeating myself with comfort food, most of which fits through the band without any problem. grrr...

I now have more restriction than before, and I think that one more adjustment to my fill should put me in a good space. I want to be able to eat small amounts of a variety of good, fresh, normal healthy food. And I want to be able to have a little treat without guilt.

Because this is a lifestyle, not a diet.

Back to basics

2009-12-06T19:02:00.004+11:00

Well, I have had my ups and downs. On the upside, the losses are slowly showing on the scales and in other, non-scale ways. I am more confident. My face is starting to look 'normal' again, not all puffy and bloated, which is how I felt before. Clothes fit better. I will post some photos soon.

But the loss has been slow. Before my second fill, I actually put on 700 grams. I did not feel any restriction and I ate things that were of no help to me in the long term, although they did provide that momentary comfort that I seem to look for in food, whether I am hungry or not.

But after each fall, I am dusting myself off and getting back to basics.

Things I am finding difficult are:

not drinking with meals or afterwards
eating s l o w l y
avoiding comfort food-rich, soft, slidey things that defeat the band
having only half a cup of food at a meal
not 'grazing'

I go for another fill tomorrow, which should bring me up to 4ml in (I think)a 10 ml band. Here's to better restriction and renewed determination!

The First Fill

2009-11-13T21:02:00.004+11:00

I went to see the surgeon and he put 2 mls in my band, bringing it up to 2.5 ml. No worries. But then, I have had a transplant and I am used to doctors prodding and poking.

I feel very little restriction, really. Sometimes, if I take too big a bite, I'll feel the food go down, but nothing has gotten 'stuck.' Yesterday I even had a hot dog. Not the best choice, I admit...

Overall, things are good and the scales have been slowly moving in the right direction.

Exercise is the next challenge. Regular exercise. I like swimming; I just hate swimsuits. I take the dog for walks. I do a few exercises at home. But actually, I have never really liked any form of regular exercise all that much. I have never met an endorphin.

But the daily things of life have gotten easier: I can bend down to pick things up more easily; I can feel my knees thanking me for relieving some of their burden; I have more energy.

Overall, I am pleased about my decision to do this for myself. Thank God!

The learning curve

2009-11-04T13:01:00.003+11:00

I had a great weekend away with my hubby and some friends.

Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) I found it pretty easy to eat anything. I'm officially still on mushies, so I avoided some things and chewed others really, really well, taking teeny tiny bites. I am finding that I have no restriction or pain or anything, but I am 'testing' the band too much, having more than 1/2 cup at a time and 'naughty' snacks.

When I got back home, I decided to undo any 'damage' and return to having an opti and 2 small, lean, protein rich 1/2 cup meals each day. I want to see some good results when I go for my first fill in one week's time.

I am looking forward to the fill and hopefully some real restriction. I am trying to keep telling myself: It's not about how much you can eat, but how little.

How little can I eat and be full and satisfied and healthy?

Bling!

2009-10-31T08:37:00.002+11:00

I bought myself a little present for my 99.9 milestone: a pandora charm bracelet. Now, every 5 kilos will earn me a charm. I am looking forward to choosing the first one. Perhaps a butterfly or the 'faith, hope, love' one. The new me is going to be beautiful and precious inside and out!

Back on track

2009-10-30T20:51:00.003+11:00

I had a really good day today. I just dusted myself off after yesterday's mistake and started over. I will not give up!

I planned well and ate lovely, tasty things: Black Swan skinny hummus for lunch with some soft veggies and some diet Nestle fromage frais; then a small piece of fresh grilled salmon with a mustard/mayo sauceand more soft veggies. It was beautiful! I took my time and savoured each bite, feeling very dainty and feminine (not a usual feeling for me!)

I am going away with my hubby and some friends over the weekend. This couple does not know that I am banded, abd I hope to be able to not draw too much attention to my food choices. I'll let you know how it goes, especially when eating out.

Being satisfied...

2009-10-29T20:43:00.005+11:00

Being full is not the same thing as being satisfied.

I feel full most of the time, which is good. However, I am noticing the head-hunger and the non-hungry desire to eat and today I gave in to my old 'frenemy'...chocolate.

I am full of excuses: chocolate is 'mushy' and it's 'that time of the month' and it was one of those little bars. If I would have stopped at one instead of eating 3, I would not have worried.

My goal is to eat one bit of something lovely,to taste and appreciate and enjoy it, and then be satisfied. But that will take time. I have to reverse some long-standing habits. So for now I need to avoid chocolate unless it is Opti shakes or diet cocoa or something like that.

I am disappointed that so early in this journey I am falling down. But I am getting bak up. I enjoyed the chocolate and it is over now. There is no more. I'll accept my shortcomings and move on, starting now, remembering that 'tomorrow is another day, without any mistakes in it yet'. Even this mistake does not need to be a problem since my total calorie intake is still less than 1000.

I think planning is key. Tomorrow I will have a protein shake for breakfast, some tuna and lowfat mayo at lunch and a bit of salmon for dinner. And I will exercise--a good 45 min walk with the pooch. Things are looking up already.

Double digits!!

2009-10-27T14:40:00.005+11:00

(Hmmm...a new way to weigh)

I was pleasantly surprised this morning when stepping on the scales..99.9! Goal #1 reached!

Now I plan to stay off for 2 weeks until my next checkup and first fill. I know that weight fluctuates, especially since yesterday at my postop checkup I weighed 101.9 (late in the afternoon, with shoes on and all bloaty-feeling).

Lately I've been feeling like I want to eat. Not full-on hunger, more of head-hunger I guess. I am a bit over liquids and looking forward to mushies in 2 days. I know for me that I need to avoid carbs, though, as they will set me up to fail. Protein, protein, protein.

My most difficult issue since the surgery has been a terrible, gut-wrenching cough. This sometimes happens to me after a surgery from the breathing tube. It is miserable--I can't sleep at night and then during the day I will be trying to teach a room full of high-school boys and I will be strangled by this cough, tears streaming down my face. Miss, are you OK? No, I'm not OK!!! Pathetic. Hopefully it will be gone soon.

@#^%$^??!!!

2009-10-20T15:51:00.002+11:00

I cheated yesterday. I feel like a total idiot and failure. It's only day 5 and I'm still on liquids. But the old complusion to eat, to taste, to chew, to have something nice and sweet and carby and comforting took over. Well, I let it.

I didn't eat much and I chewed it well and I don't think it caused any damage, but I was (and still am a bit) beating myself up over it. Why would I sabotage and jeopardise myself at this stage?

Well, I cannot undo it, so I am just going to learn from it. I have a problem with food. That is how I got here. I have spent many years forming this warped relationship and it may take some time to extricate myself from it. Getting into the right headspace is going to be such a battle for me, but, with the help of God, I will do it!

Time to move on.

A new me is on the way

2009-10-18T11:54:00.003+11:00

I am now 3 days out from the surgery and I am feeling better each day. The surgery went well and I am sore but feeling pretty positive about it all. Well, to tell the truth, sometimes I do lament that it has come to this. I feel really weak and like a failure. As if I were a stronger, better person I could have lost the weight without such drastic measures.

Maybe that is so. I am weak. But in my weakness is my strength. I have made this choice and I am glad. I have made a choice to be healthy. The band is not magic; it is a tool. And this is primarily a medical decision and a health issue. I want to live, not just exist..dragging my self around, apologizing on the inside for taking up too much space. I have waited too long...the new me is on the way!

One more sleep...

2009-10-14T19:35:00.003+11:00

Go me! I have made it through Optifast and tomorrow is the big day. I go in at 9 and have some tests and the surgery will be sometime in the afternoon. No turning back now!

Pray, hope and don't worry

2009-10-11T19:30:00.004+11:00

Optifast is going pretty well--I have had some major victories in resisting temptation and I have gotten used to the taste of the shakes and bars and such and almost like some of them.

The hospital called the other day, to discuss the admission details. Only four more days! I have an afternoon surgery, which I was hoping not to get. Having it in the morning is easier, I have found. Things can get backed up in theatre and you can end up waiting a long time. But I don't mind all that much, as I am really excited.

I am a bit of an old hand when it comes to surgery, so I am not really nervous. I have had a total of 9 surgeries; this will be my 10th. And one of them was a transplant. So, I know that although there is always some risk, I just have to follow the advice of St. Padre Pio: 'pray, hope, and don't worry.'

One week to go...

2009-10-08T18:06:00.002+11:00

I have been having my ups and downs with Optifast, but so far I have kept to it. In some ways, it is like a test for me. Am I really serious about this? Am I really willing to give what it takes to succeed. So far, so good.

I said I wouldn't step on the scales until I had to at the hospital, but I caved in. One week on Optifast, exercising lightly on nearly every day, and I was down 3 kilos. I was pretty pleased, though I know that it would pile right back on if I did not have the lap-banding ahead of me.

One more week to go before the op. The days are going very slowly! I caught a glimpse of my fat self in a shop window today and said farewell to that blobby girl.

Optifasting

2009-10-02T17:03:00.002+10:00

It is Day 2 of the pre-op Optifast diet and so far, so good. I am a bit hungry then and again, but I have stocked my fridge with allowed veggies and I've made some batches of soup from them. I also bought every flavor available of diet jello and I have a serve of that a day if I need it.

I am having the chocolate shakes at the moment and my favorite way to have them is to add a lot of instant coffee powder. I usually abhore instant coffee, but it works for me now. I also put some coconut essence in one, which was OK, but fake tasting.

I tried the 'Lemon Creme' dessert yesterday and had a rough time with it. I added some lemon juice which helped a bit, but I put in too much liquid and it was runny. So I drank half of it and half of a Berry Crunch bar, which was tolerable. Then I put the rest of the bar in the fridge and the rest of the dessert in the freezer. Today for lunch, I blended up the frozen lemon with more lemon juice and some orange essence, but it was still a bit yuk. I'll keep experimenting.

I have to go out to a dinner tonight. It's actually a parish supper, so I can probably volunteer to wash dishes or something and not have to sit down to eat. It's a bit awkward, but I am determined to find a way to be successful with the band, and this is the first step.

Tomorrow

2009-09-30T17:07:00.003+10:00

I start the last 'diet' of my life tomorrow. I will be glad to finally have started, as I am still eating a lot of things that are not very helpful in losing weight.

I know that the optifast will be difficult for me. I love food. It is my best friend and a faithful companion. Sad. I have a lot of cravings, and they don't go away easily. I can have cravings for days, that just haunt me no matter how I try to distract myself.

But I will succeed. I will commit to this. I don't want to screw up this first stage.

When tempted:

Acknowledge the feeling of wanting to eat
See if there is any obvious trigger but don't 'overthink' about it
Remember your goals-reread them, look at a goal picture

Then do one or more of the following:

1. Clean a room in the house, totally, from top to bottom.
2. Clean out a closet.
3. Go for a walk, minimum 30 minutes, with the dog and no money in my pockets.
4. Go for a swim.
5. Garden. There are lots of weeds to pull.
6. Pray, especially at the Adoration chapel.
7. Blog
8. Write letters to people I love--real, old-fahioned ones with envelopes and stamps
9. Call a friend. Someone who needs support or encouragement or Loreta, who is also banded
10. Do some calligraphy
11. Do 10 push ups and/or situps and/or squats and/or anything else.
12. Bathe the dog.
13. Read.
14. Do my nails.
15. Take a bath or shower.
16. Chew a huge wad of sugar-free gum.
17. Go to an opp-shop.
18. Sew the white curtains that have been in the linen closet for the last 4 years. Or the Japanese wall hanging thing. Or bags for the kids for the national retreat.
19. Take up quilting.
20. Learn to crochet or knit.
21. Have my hair cut or colored or washed or styled.
22. Apply some sort of facial masque.
23. Get out the bikes.
24. Go to the nursery and look at plants for the garden.
25. Make candles.
26. Mark papers and do planning for school (I'm a teacher).
27. Dust the cobwebs off the bicycle.
28. Go ice skating.
29. Dance in the living room.
30. Wash the car.
31. Shave my legs (Lots of surface area so that could take a while).
32. Brush my teeth. Put on those whitening strips I never used.
33. Make a rosary bracelet as a gift for someone.
34. Get the stuff to make resin pendants and make some.
35. Make my facebook site a bit more interesting.
36. Go to the beach.
37. Take some photographs and get some of the digital ones developed and framed.
38. Make a mosaic.
39. Start learning to speak Italian.
40. Make love (yikes, my poor husband--I only thought of this now!)
41. Wash the windows from the outside.
42. Sort through stuff in the garage.
43. Go through my closet and give or throw away some of the fat clothes that I hate and do not want to wear ever again.
44. Write a poem or a story.
45. Draw or paint a picture of my dog.
46. Watch a movie.
47. Plant another section of the veggie garden.
48. Drink a lot of water.
49. Play a game or puzzle.
50. Sleep.

I think I will have a much cleaner house and a better looking garden...

An observation

2009-09-26T18:30:00.004+10:00

The stomach is not connected to the heart.
A full stomach does not lead to a full heart.
Filling my stomach will not fill my heart.

Saying goodbye to the binge

2009-09-24T14:05:00.006+10:00

This surgery will be the end of binge eating for me. I am glad about that, but I also wonder how I will cope. It's a love-hate sort of thing. I want to break this cycle; I hate what binging has brought me to, but it's familiar, comfortable, comforting.

Most of the time, I don't overeat because I'm hungry. The band will take away hunger, but it certainly won't solve all my problems with food. There is a long and difficult battle ahead.

It's less than one week before I start my 2 week Optifast stage. I find myself eating everything in sight--whole packets of TimTams, chips, ice cream, chocolate--as if I will never eat these things again. But I will eat them again, only not very often and in small amounts.

Food is neutral. Food is good. Food is fuel.

It's a trap to think of certain foods as 'bad' or 'forbidden.' If this is my mindset, then I will crave these things more and I will feel deprived and depressed, which will set the whole cycle back in motion. It is possible to cheat the band and still eat in an 'unhelpful' manner. I don't want to do that. I want to choose healthy, nutritious food and finally have a healthy, normal relationship with food.

Is it possible? All I can do is try.

Numbers

2009-09-22T21:41:00.000+10:00

One of my goals is not to obsess about the numbers on the scale. Wellness, not weight, is my focus. I want to use the numbers (whatever they may be) as motivation at time, but without getting hung up on whether I have lost 400 grams or gained 200.

When I was on Weight Watchers, I would do all sorts of things to make sure that I was as light as possible: wear light clothes, take off my shoes, go braless, not wear a watch, etc... As if that really matters! I look and feel the same with or without a watch (and without a bra, I know I look much worse!)

So, at the doctor's office for my initial consultation, I looked at the scales: 107.4 kilos. BMI of 37.something. I am not planning to step on the scales until surgery day when I cannot avoid it. It will be interesting to see what effect the Optifast starvation regime has had and I do want to be able to track things from The Big Day with some degree of accuracy.

Obsessing

2009-09-21T21:13:00.001+10:00

I've spent tons of time on the net, reading blogs and trying to get myself used to the fact that in less than one mmonth I will be be banded. I ordered some Optifast stuff online and I am trying to psych myself up for what I know will be a rough two weeks.

But it is only two weeks. I can do it!!! (I am trying my best to think positively; it's almost working).

One one of the message boards, someone said not to cheat your way around the opti stage. She thinks that then it could lead to cheating around the band, and I think there is some value to what she said. This is a new start, a new me. I won't beat myself up if I make mistakes, but I won't plan to be defeated, either.

The beginning

2009-09-17T19:23:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I met with the surgeon and decided to go ahead with lap band surgery. I am scheduled for the 15th of October.

I am a bit nervous, but excited; fearful, but confident that this is a positive step for me to reclaim my health and self.

I have failed to control my weight for so long. Iam afraid that this won't work for me, that I will sabotage myself and fail once again. But I am determined to do my best, and this blog is part of that determination.

All things are possible...