Tomorrow

I start the last 'diet' of my life tomorrow. I will be glad to finally have started, as I am still eating a lot of things that are not very helpful in losing weight.

I know that the optifast will be difficult for me. I love food. It is my best friend and a faithful companion. Sad. I have a lot of cravings, and they don't go away easily. I can have cravings for days, that just haunt me no matter how I try to distract myself.

But I will succeed. I will commit to this. I don't want to screw up this first stage.

When tempted:

• Acknowledge the feeling of wanting to eat
• See if there is any obvious trigger but don't 'overthink' about it
• Remember your goals-reread them, look at a goal picture

Then do one or more of the following:

1. Clean a room in the house, totally, from top to bottom.
2. Clean out a closet.
3. Go for a walk, minimum 30 minutes, with the dog and no money in my pockets.
4. Go for a swim.
5. Garden. There are lots of weeds to pull.
6. Pray, especially at the Adoration chapel.
7. Blog
8. Write letters to people I love--real, old-fahioned ones with envelopes and stamps
9. Call a friend. Someone who needs support or encouragement or Loreta, who is also banded
10. Do some calligraphy
11. Do 10 push ups and/or situps and/or squats and/or anything else.
12. Bathe the dog.
13. Read.
14. Do my nails.
15. Take a bath or shower.
16. Chew a huge wad of sugar-free gum.
17. Go to an opp-shop.
18. Sew the white curtains that have been in the linen closet for the last 4 years. Or the Japanese wall hanging thing. Or bags for the kids for the national retreat.
19. Take up quilting.
20. Learn to crochet or knit.
21. Have my hair cut or colored or washed or styled.
22. Apply some sort of facial masque.
23. Get out the bikes.
24. Go to the nursery and look at plants for the garden.
25. Make candles.
26. Mark papers and do planning for school (I'm a teacher).
27. Dust the cobwebs off the bicycle.
28. Go ice skating.
29. Dance in the living room.
30. Wash the car.
31. Shave my legs (Lots of surface area so that could take a while).
32. Brush my teeth. Put on those whitening strips I never used.
33. Make a rosary bracelet as a gift for someone.
34. Get the stuff to make resin pendants and make some.
35. Make my facebook site a bit more interesting.
36. Go to the beach.
37. Take some photographs and get some of the digital ones developed and framed.
38. Make a mosaic.
39. Start learning to speak Italian.
40. Make love (yikes, my poor husband--I only thought of this now!)
41. Wash the windows from the outside.
42. Sort through stuff in the garage.
43. Go through my closet and give or throw away some of the fat clothes that I hate and do not want to wear ever again.
44. Write a poem or a story.
45. Draw or paint a picture of my dog.
46. Watch a movie.
47. Plant another section of the veggie garden.
48. Drink a lot of water.
49. Play a game or puzzle.
50. Sleep.

I think I will have a much cleaner house and a better looking garden...

An observation

The stomach is not connected to the heart.
A full stomach does not lead to a full heart.
Filling my stomach will not fill my heart.

Saying goodbye to the binge

This surgery will be the end of binge eating for me. I am glad about that, but I also wonder how I will cope. It's a love-hate sort of thing. I want to break this cycle; I hate what binging has brought me to, but it's familiar, comfortable, comforting.

Most of the time, I don't overeat because I'm hungry. The band will take away hunger, but it certainly won't solve all my problems with food. There is a long and difficult battle ahead.


It's less than one week before I start my 2 week Optifast stage. I find myself eating everything in sight--whole packets of TimTams, chips, ice cream, chocolate--as if I will never eat these things again. But I will eat them again, only not very often and in small amounts.

Food is neutral. Food is good. Food is fuel.


It's a trap to think of certain foods as 'bad' or 'forbidden.' If this is my mindset, then I will crave these things more and I will feel deprived and depressed, which will set the whole cycle back in motion. It is possible to cheat the band and still eat in an 'unhelpful' manner. I don't want to do that. I want to choose healthy, nutritious food and finally have a healthy, normal relationship with food.

Is it possible? All I can do is try.

Numbers

One of my goals is not to obsess about the numbers on the scale. Wellness, not weight, is my focus. I want to use the numbers (whatever they may be) as motivation at time, but without getting hung up on whether I have lost 400 grams or gained 200.

When I was on Weight Watchers, I would do all sorts of things to make sure that I was as light as possible: wear light clothes, take off my shoes, go braless, not wear a watch, etc... As if that really matters! I look and feel the same with or without a watch (and without a bra, I know I look much worse!)

So, at the doctor's office for my initial consultation, I looked at the scales: 107.4 kilos. BMI of 37.something. I am not planning to step on the scales until surgery day when I cannot avoid it. It will be interesting to see what effect the Optifast starvation regime has had and I do want to be able to track things from The Big Day with some degree of accuracy.

Obsessing

I've spent tons of time on the net, reading blogs and trying to get myself used to the fact that in less than one mmonth I will be be banded. I ordered some Optifast stuff online and I am trying to psych myself up for what I know will be a rough two weeks.

But it is only two weeks. I can do it!!! (I am trying my best to think positively; it's almost working).

One one of the message boards, someone said not to cheat your way around the opti stage. She thinks that then it could lead to cheating around the band, and I think there is some value to what she said. This is a new start, a new me. I won't beat myself up if I make mistakes, but I won't plan to be defeated, either.

The beginning

Yesterday I met with the surgeon and decided to go ahead with lap band surgery. I am scheduled for the 15th of October.

I am a bit nervous, but excited; fearful, but confident that this is a positive step for me to reclaim my health and self.

I have failed to control my weight for so long. Iam afraid that this won't work for me, that I will sabotage myself and fail once again. But I am determined to do my best, and this blog is part of that determination.

All things are possible...