Bling!

I bought myself a little present for my 99.9 milestone: a pandora charm bracelet. Now, every 5 kilos will earn me a charm. I am looking forward to choosing the first one. Perhaps a butterfly or the 'faith, hope, love' one. The new me is going to be beautiful and precious inside and out!

Back on track

I had a really good day today. I just dusted myself off after yesterday's mistake and started over. I will not give up!

I planned well and ate lovely, tasty things: Black Swan skinny hummus for lunch with some soft veggies and some diet Nestle fromage frais; then a small piece of fresh grilled salmon with a mustard/mayo sauceand more soft veggies. It was beautiful! I took my time and savoured each bite, feeling very dainty and feminine (not a usual feeling for me!)

I am going away with my hubby and some friends over the weekend. This couple does not know that I am banded, abd I hope to be able to not draw too much attention to my food choices. I'll let you know how it goes, especially when eating out.

Being satisfied...

Being full is not the same thing as being satisfied.

I feel full most of the time, which is good. However, I am noticing the head-hunger and the non-hungry desire to eat and today I gave in to my old 'frenemy'...chocolate.

I am full of excuses: chocolate is 'mushy' and it's 'that time of the month' and it was one of those little bars. If I would have stopped at one instead of eating 3, I would not have worried.

My goal is to eat one bit of something lovely,to taste and appreciate and enjoy it, and then be satisfied. But that will take time. I have to reverse some long-standing habits. So for now I need to avoid chocolate unless it is Opti shakes or diet cocoa or something like that.

I am disappointed that so early in this journey I am falling down. But I am getting bak up. I enjoyed the chocolate and it is over now. There is no more. I'll accept my shortcomings and move on, starting now, remembering that 'tomorrow is another day, without any mistakes in it yet'. Even this mistake does not need to be a problem since my total calorie intake is still less than 1000.

I think planning is key. Tomorrow I will have a protein shake for breakfast, some tuna and lowfat mayo at lunch and a bit of salmon for dinner. And I will exercise--a good 45 min walk with the pooch. Things are looking up already.

Double digits!!

(Hmmm...a new way to weigh)




I was pleasantly surprised this morning when stepping on the scales..99.9! Goal #1 reached!

Now I plan to stay off for 2 weeks until my next checkup and first fill. I know that weight fluctuates, especially since yesterday at my postop checkup I weighed 101.9 (late in the afternoon, with shoes on and all bloaty-feeling).

Lately I've been feeling like I want to eat. Not full-on hunger, more of head-hunger I guess. I am a bit over liquids and looking forward to mushies in 2 days. I know for me that I need to avoid carbs, though, as they will set me up to fail. Protein, protein, protein.

My most difficult issue since the surgery has been a terrible, gut-wrenching cough. This sometimes happens to me after a surgery from the breathing tube. It is miserable--I can't sleep at night and then during the day I will be trying to teach a room full of high-school boys and I will be strangled by this cough, tears streaming down my face. Miss, are you OK? No, I'm not OK!!! Pathetic. Hopefully it will be gone soon.

@#^%$^??!!!

I cheated yesterday. I feel like a total idiot and failure. It's only day 5 and I'm still on liquids. But the old complusion to eat, to taste, to chew, to have something nice and sweet and carby and comforting took over. Well, I let it.

I didn't eat much and I chewed it well and I don't think it caused any damage, but I was (and still am a bit) beating myself up over it. Why would I sabotage and jeopardise myself at this stage?

Well, I cannot undo it, so I am just going to learn from it. I have a problem with food. That is how I got here. I have spent many years forming this warped relationship and it may take some time to extricate myself from it. Getting into the right headspace is going to be such a battle for me, but, with the help of God, I will do it!

Time to move on.

A new me is on the way

I am now 3 days out from the surgery and I am feeling better each day. The surgery went well and I am sore but feeling pretty positive about it all. Well, to tell the truth, sometimes I do lament that it has come to this. I feel really weak and like a failure. As if I were a stronger, better person I could have lost the weight without such drastic measures.

Maybe that is so. I am weak. But in my weakness is my strength. I have made this choice and I am glad. I have made a choice to be healthy. The band is not magic; it is a tool. And this is primarily a medical decision and a health issue. I want to live, not just exist..dragging my self around, apologizing on the inside for taking up too much space. I have waited too long...the new me is on the way!

One more sleep...

Go me! I have made it through Optifast and tomorrow is the big day. I go in at 9 and have some tests and the surgery will be sometime in the afternoon. No turning back now!

Pray, hope and don't worry

Optifast is going pretty well--I have had some major victories in resisting temptation and I have gotten used to the taste of the shakes and bars and such and almost like some of them.

The hospital called the other day, to discuss the admission details. Only four more days! I have an afternoon surgery, which I was hoping not to get. Having it in the morning is easier, I have found. Things can get backed up in theatre and you can end up waiting a long time. But I don't mind all that much, as I am really excited.

I am a bit of an old hand when it comes to surgery, so I am not really nervous. I have had a total of 9 surgeries; this will be my 10th. And one of them was a transplant. So, I know that although there is always some risk, I just have to follow the advice of St. Padre Pio: 'pray, hope, and don't worry.'

One week to go...

I have been having my ups and downs with Optifast, but so far I have kept to it. In some ways, it is like a test for me. Am I really serious about this? Am I really willing to give what it takes to succeed. So far, so good.

I said I wouldn't step on the scales until I had to at the hospital, but I caved in. One week on Optifast, exercising lightly on nearly every day, and I was down 3 kilos. I was pretty pleased, though I know that it would pile right back on if I did not have the lap-banding ahead of me.

One more week to go before the op. The days are going very slowly! I caught a glimpse of my fat self in a shop window today and said farewell to that blobby girl.

Optifasting

It is Day 2 of the pre-op Optifast diet and so far, so good. I am a bit hungry then and again, but I have stocked my fridge with allowed veggies and I've made some batches of soup from them. I also bought every flavor available of diet jello and I have a serve of that a day if I need it.

I am having the chocolate shakes at the moment and my favorite way to have them is to add a lot of instant coffee powder. I usually abhore instant coffee, but it works for me now. I also put some coconut essence in one, which was OK, but fake tasting.

I tried the 'Lemon Creme' dessert yesterday and had a rough time with it. I added some lemon juice which helped a bit, but I put in too much liquid and it was runny. So I drank half of it and half of a Berry Crunch bar, which was tolerable. Then I put the rest of the bar in the fridge and the rest of the dessert in the freezer. Today for lunch, I blended up the frozen lemon with more lemon juice and some orange essence, but it was still a bit yuk. I'll keep experimenting.

I have to go out to a dinner tonight. It's actually a parish supper, so I can probably volunteer to wash dishes or something and not have to sit down to eat. It's a bit awkward, but I am determined to find a way to be successful with the band, and this is the first step.